Aimless, No Compass

Sitting on the balcony the view of the lake and the mountains would be what one would describe as breathtaking, however my stare is quite blank. I sip my coffee, my thoughts take me far, far away. Actually blank is what would closely describe my state not only my stare. To my astonishment the mesmerizing Swiss beauty brought nothing to my soul.

I feel empty inside, he had just left last night. I let him leave although I could have been promised the world. I knew better. My life and the bitterness many things in it have left behind taught me better. Made me the strong woman I am. He found himself here for no obvious reason, to me at least there was none. We did not meet, nor did we speak. There was nothing to be said. He said it all. All but what I wanted. I did not have the answer he would want to hear. So, I just left it at that. No reply. No decision. Nothing at all.

He left  with everything. Everything but me. I lost it all. He could have been my all. I have always been an all or nothing person and I do realize how bad that can be. The amount of damage this could cause.

It was still too early to go out after what I had thought was a decade. The misty weather is quite depressing for my taste. The calm cool breeze is something very foreign to the vibrant New Yorker I am. One used to smog in a fast paced city where the only sounds I get to hear this early are garbage trucks or police cars racing to get hold of someone somewhere.

I finish my third cup of coffee and decide to go for a drive, my mom will not be needing the driver nor the car for that matter for at least a few more hours. I walk down and wait for the driver, he hands me the keys while still insisting he take me himself. I grab them and giggle like an excited teenager and hope to god I just do not end up in Brussels.  I realize I did not have my ipod on me and decide against going back and getting it. I settle for my mom’s music which surprisingly enough is almost all Mohammad Abdu.

After several hours of driving aimlessly, speeding ridiculously with no sense of fear. – What is there to fear? I have never feared death ever. I am not suicidal but I do not have a fear of death. Nothing to lose and driving at that speed is definitely worth dying for. All the right reasons to live, but are they worth living? Are they worth missing out on the thrill for? Driving with the top down on a sunny day is one of them. – I head back. No compass to guide me, I have a GPS to help me get home but no compass to guide me from thereafter. What is the next step. A compass would show me north, would that be where I want to head? If I can figure all the other directions knowing where the north is, would I be able to figure where I actually want to go? More importantly, why?

My problem is far more complicated than having a compass.

Soul-searching is what I should do. Everything else will fall in place thereafter or so I hope.

A lot has happened, no place to be for the first time in my life. I have all this time to myself – at least this is the case after dropping a huge deal and ignoring even more. Now I have all the time I want but do not necessarily need, at least until tomorrow. As for now I am sure, tomorrow I may not be so sure. Till then, I have got until tomorrow.

Just as I stopped the car and took my seatbelt off this song starts playing, that one song you can never get out of the car and leave behind. I listened to it while fully parked then decided to grab the ipod with me and listen to it again.

I join my mom who was now out having her tea after I put the ipod on shuffle and placed it in the dock. We chit-chat a bit and she starts explaining some of her favorite songs to me as they played and what their lyrics meant. I completely and fully understand them. Nevertheless, I let her have her moment. I watched the twinkle in her eyes as she went on telling me about the nights my dad had to travel. Nights when they would stay up late talking over the phone listening to Allah yrd kh6ak ldroob khilanak – which is a Talal Maddah song I actually like a lot myself.

I comment on her ipod having almost only Mohammad Abdu and she mentions that was how she had gotten it. It contains every Mohammad Abdu song there is out there since he started up to the day she had got it. Guess everything is different in Saudi after all. An all Mohammad Abdu ipod. Now that is something I would not mind having myself.

Yes, I did think about stealing it and saying I forgot it in my pocket only to realize I had it as I was getting on the plane.

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~ by Purple Velvet on March 31, 2011.

2 Responses to “Aimless, No Compass”

  1. Sorry to hear about what happened. We tend to look for straight lines, only to realize life never works that way.

    I hope you can get back on track, and forget about him.
    I have experienced the same thing recently……hoping he would say the right thing, but only to realize he doesn’t say anything I want to hear.

    Best of luck to you

    S.

  2. Thank you.

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