Three Minutes on Royal Street

I swore I would not cry and I was doing so well. Up until three minutes ago, I saw something that made my eyes fill up with tears. I guess it will take time. It just felt so good to be strong and have control. So I thought. I do not.

I was walking down Royal Street in New Orleans going back to my hotel on a chilly night,  I had just passed The Supreme Court around the address 410 Royal St. After walking three minutes on Royal Street I decided to cry no more. I decided to bury my heart right then and there. I thought I did at 610 Chartres St. I even took this picture to remember where to come back to for my heart; in case I needed it to survive. It felt so good to make a decision and be able to do it in three minutes. I could have sworn I succeeded until three minutes ago.

Never had I thought about truly ending it up until that moment. That exact night; after I felt I had completely lost control. I was sure everything would be downhill from thereafter. The pain I was feeling was not the pain of growth it was the pain of suffering and being lied to.

I have never cried over love that ends. I am a true believer that every time you fall in love and think this is it. You fall out of love only to find love once again. I do not believe that one finds love and lives happily ever after. I believe that when there is love which happens without one having control over, one has the choice to make it last forever or simply walk away. So once love comes along it is in your hands thereafter, to nourish and let grow or to step on your heart and end it. The latter in my case has always been easier.

I always wonder what people who cry love are about. Why cry if you can do something. If the situation is out of your hands then why are you wasting your time thinking about it knowing the other person does not think it is worth it. I do not believe in situations that neither have control over. One might not be strong enough to overcome the obstacles; that is when the other knows the love is not strong enough. Love which can easily be defeated. That is when you are supposed to let go. When you stop investing time and emotions without further delay. The longer you wait the more bitter you will feel, even about the silliest things in addition to the time you have wasted.

The happiest moments will never occur to you. If they were real one would hang on to them forever. I think of love like many think of superpowers. It takes over you and possesses you. It makes you do the craziest things and laugh afterwards remembering why you did them.

I felt hopeless and helpless. This time I cried. Love is not a word. Love is something that one might feel even in the most odd situations. I found it in the oddest situation of them all. If one wants this love and thinks it is worth it, one makes this love last for as long as these feelings last. Unfortunately there was nothing that I could do on my behalf. I was not even ready for this to begin with. It took me by surprise. Actions that did not translate the amount of love were what made me mad. Mad and sad. Afterwards, there was pain. Lots of pain. A huge amount of sorrow which no person can handle.

Why are you crying? I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. Why are you crying if you say you love me? My love is not supposed to make you cry. Why are you making me cry? Why are you letting me cry? Why are you watching me walk away? Why are you crying while I walk away? Crying will not bring me back. When walking away is my choice. One I made when I had no other.

I fell in love and felt loved at least it sure seemed like it. My guards were down; I would have never chosen this situation nor ever imagined it happening to me in a million years. It felt so comfortable being close. I thought I was safe and there was nothing to fear or be afraid of.  I thought I had everything under control. I played with fire. I did not expect it to burn me. I knew what it was I’m playing with. Knowing how dangerous the situation was not enough. I had rules. I had decided to play by those rules. New rules which I have added specifically, in addition to ones that had always existed. It happened. My heart caught on fire. Raising my guards back up took care of everything. Everything but feeling bitter.

Listening to this song on my way to New Orleans had such a different meaning than it did on my way back.  At first I was singing about what I had or believed that I did have, on my way back it was all about wanting exactly that – which I did not find therefore I left behind.

Dying for who you love and dying without them is just in songs. Being alive yet not being able to live is my reality or was my reality. I never ask for anything that is just who I am. I never wait for things. I only want things I can make happen. If I have no control over the situation I walk away. I expect the person involved to do the same. If it does not happen then there is nothing to feel sad about or regret. I am a strong woman and I do not apologize for who I am. I tried ripping off the band-aid before New Orleans and failed terribly. I was in bed for two days and my brother was singing “maree9′ L ma7abah” thinking I had a lover in New York that I was missing during the two days I visited him. Little did he know my problem was far more complicated.

Posting the song a few hours ago felt like solid proof that there was non of that mentioned in the lyrics. The more I read them and sang along the more I was convinced. Posting it made me feel so strong and proud that I did in fact see things very clear. It took the charm of the streets of New Orleans to get me to see the light. Light in a situation that was not even dark at the time. The French Corner’s charm made me see everything in its true colors, then I saw a way out. More importantly gave me a reason to want out, to justify what my heart would call a crime. I had a few shoulders to cry on at the time. Luckily I did not need. I had cried two nights before and the day after until I thought I could cry no more. Up until three minutes ago.

I made the right decision leaving my sorrow in a city I love…..

New Orleans…. Where The Heart Is…….

~ by Purple Velvet on March 19, 2011.

One Response to “Three Minutes on Royal Street”

  1. “Dying for who you love and dying without them is just in songs. Being alive yet not being able to live is my reality or was my reality.”…….. Words.

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