MASOCHIST

Giving up is a crime. Crying begging me to stay. Crying asking for my forgiveness.  I have never been one to forgive. I just choose to forget. I try to. I normally succeed.

I am not one known to wear her heart on her sleeve. Yet, this huge mess happened. It was so wrong in every way and far from ideal. I guess I was delusional just like I had convinced myself all along of having the upper hand in this situation. Truly believing I could never get hurt. Until my heart caught on fire. Never had I thought it was all in my head.

I found out too late when nothing could be done. I discovered this after I had failed terribly to think rationally and compartmentalize. I made a mistake of failing to run a simple test before proceeding further in performing this execution. I did however perform a mini trial which was just as painful if not more. I should have given it time. I could have gotten bored. It could have faded on its own. Such is life. It would have I am sure it would.

In all honesty it was too valuable to watch die on its own. I prefered to kill it. Just like a bitch would eat her own puppy if she fears it will not make it.

The aftermath is too much for me to handle. The sadness although sometimes with no tears is far more than I can cope with. Things I knew all along but never dared to say out loud were repeated everyday for my ears to hear and eyes to see. I did not want to know about your thrilling life nor sexual escapades. A life complete without me. A life where I am pointed out to as an expansion. I was constantly calculating my every move. Even during the most intimate moments. I was not happy. I was sad. Thoughts were rushing through my head when all I should have been feeling was love. Unlimited everlasting love.

I ignored unconditional which is what I deserve exactly like the love I had provided. Love that was not an ounce less even after learning the truth. Truth that I had known part of all along before allowing myself to even get close. Truth that I saw was more than enough to make the situation undesirable and serve as a high fence my heart would never dare to jump over, or so I thought.

You said you loved me and still do. You should have lied to me. You wanted me forever and still do yet you chose to tell me the truth. I constantly encouraged you to lie. You should have lied. You should have done just that.

I felt pain rip through my heart. Only to gather the pieces, put them back together and love some more. I allowed myself to continue and indulge in the most painful situation I have ever encountered.

I must be a masochist of some kind.

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~ by Purple Velvet on March 19, 2011.

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