Gia’s Perfect Latte (Part Twelve)

I wake up to a gentle yet firm tap on my leg. I open my eyes, it was the stewardess asking if I would like to eat something. I ask her for a club soda with lime, some nuts with raisins, green olives, cheese, maybe crackers and some coffee. The smell of the food they were serving was not a bit tempting and I was starving. “Which would you prefer first?” Doesn’t matter; whatever.  I look at the time and realize I have slept for almost 4 hours, I decide to put my sweats away. There was no point really of changing into them now.

I arrive and wait for my luggage that was taking longer than ever. I switch my phones and Blackberry on. I get in the cab and check, there were 27 missed calls on one of my phones. One being from my mother and the rest were from Mohammad. My phones are always on silent, I never check text messages. Guess that will all have to change now. He was probably calling when I was still in London.

I get to my place and start taking my clothes off the minute I walked in; while heading to the shower. I will give him a call as soon as I freshen up. I also need some pain killers this headache is unbearable, I mumble to myself as I stare at my pale looking face in the mirror.

…..As I reached for my charger, London digits started flashing on the screen.

“Hey, how are you? You got me worried. I was hoping you did not end up leaving for one reason or another”.

I got in almost two hours ago. Sorry for not answering your calls by the way – I figured I do not owe him and explanation nor an apology for my habits. Habits I might or might not end up changing but most certainly will not apologize for.

“You get some rest now and I will call you later tonight. I will be up late, I am on call”

I allow my hair to dry up a little before going out to get a decent cup of coffee. I pick up my mail from a nearly exploding box, take the elevators down to place this month’s parking pass on my car and it suddenly hit me; Saud’s stupid email needed a reply. A less than nice one; to say the least.

I make a few phone calls and start typing up the nastiest email I have ever written in my life. I save it in my drafts and go for a walk. I get back home open up the draft, read through it and save it again. I was not ready to send it because I knew I would not be in the mood to deal with the consequences at this time. If I was described as a fireball who has a bad temper, Saud has an even worse temper. He would be, I don’t know a fireball after pouring gasoline on it and throwing it with all your force – I suck at analogies but whatever. The two of us could not stand playing the waiting game nor plotting how we were going to lay things. We both act as things happen. So I knew the minute I hit that send button, I should be ready for his reaction. I am always five steps ahead when in a relationship; that however is a completely different story I will not get into right now.

A few hours later Mohammad calls and interrupts a gossip session with Targa. He asks if I took a nap or ate. I realized we were now actually an item. It felt so weird. He then had to reply to a page, I liked the fact that he knew what time not being his own actually meant. He gets back to me and says:

“I have to be honest, there is one thing that has been bothering me since yesterday”

I swallow my pride and get ready to discuss the unavoidable. Something I will discuss once and forever leave behind me. I froze as the words came out of his mouth. I felt my heart sink.

“That Saud guy, isn’t your cousin is he?”

I manage to speak up and say, no he is not. I never said he was. I tell him the whole story then he asks:

“so what is it that he wants now?”

I have no idea.

“I am sure you are not interested and will not even ask you about that, given the fact you would already be with him by now had you wanted to. He on the other hand, doesn’t seem to fully understand that. I heard him say ‘what about us you never cared enough to discuss things with me’ when you excused yourself”

“What about us” I exclaim. I do not want him in my life; there is nothing between him and I. There is no us. There never was. There never will be. I will not risk what I might end up having with you. I am single and living in the States. If I wanted to be with him then I would be with him. The only us in my life, are you and I. You have to trust me.

“You have to make it clear and not wait for him to approach you. You need to take this matter into your own hands. You need to contact him and tell him firmly with specific words that cannot in any way  be interpreted otherwise. This has to stop now. When it rains it pours”

I will. I promise I will. Saud is a classic case of a guy who only wants you when you are with someone else. I would not even use when it rains it pours, I went on explaining. I am only desirable to him when he cannot have me. I have to go now and good luck with that on call, you have nothing to worry about being a fellow and all. Poor residents like myself will take care of things for you.

I decide to call it a night although it was not even 19:00 EST. I put my head on my pillow and started thinking, what was I supposed to say to him?

I was there in front of you all that time and you did not show me once that you were serious about getting together. I was not going to risk being accused of breaking up with my ex because of you without knowing for sure that what we would have is sustainable.

It was too complicated. I just did not want to get into it; I had my own insecurities and reasons. He made it that much easier by not pursuing me for anything whatsoever. Therefore, he made not having to face my own fears possible.  I don’t get why he would think those cheesy emails or whatever hints he dropped would be “wasayil”; that is given the fact he explicitly meant it – when he sent this song in particular.

I am not even sure if I would have in fact turned him down; had he said it in a direct way without leaving me a way out. All I know is it was for the best. The feelings I had for him might not even be love. It might just be the forbidden. The desire for being with that certain person that is not right for you. That one person you have every reason to avoid yet yearn to be with. Having the ability to assume what a wonderful perfect life you two would have together; had you ever gotten together in the first place. It is always empowering to assume such things and truly believe them before reality proves otherwise. In this case there was no reality. I had this perfect relationship in my head that could never happen. Therefore, would  remain perfect forever.

To be continued……

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~ by Purple Velvet on November 26, 2010.

6 Responses to “Gia’s Perfect Latte (Part Twelve)”

  1. Its like watching a train wreck happen in slow motion … great post.

  2. Your most recent posts had a lot of information in them. There’s the ex, which might not be a particularly interesting story. But there’s Saud, now this man is fascinating. I don’t know if there are related posts that discuss him more, but if not, are you thinking of telling us more about this tension that exists with him?

    I am jumping the gun I do apologise, but nice old Moe is too boring to the reader in a story that has a Saud!

    Keep on the good work, I’m getting visits from old smiler and older pains 😉

  3. smiles*

  4. London (last night) You will find everything about Saud here.

  5. @A “nice old Moe is too boring to the reader in a story that has a Saud!” LOL! I like you a lot.

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