Stone Cold Sober


This song has been playing non-stop for three days now. I have just came back from a walk in the park with lemons. Well, lemons and Targa. I asked him to meet me after I had ran into a potential boyfriend that I have turned down due to my strict dating policy that doesn’t really appeal to most. I don’t blame them I wouldn’t either if I were a guy. I called him up and said Central Park far west entrance be fair or be square. He came and found me juggling lemons and said:

“wow you ARE a total wreck, what is going on? Juggling?”
I told him it is calming for the nerves, no truth is I went to get lemons and Tabasco and ran into someone.
“So why do you still have the lemons you said after fifteen minutes”.
Yes, I do realize that but it was not enough time to actually take my lemons home. As for the Tabasco I set the bottle by the trash for the homeless to take. I will not be seen walking in the park with Tabasco.
“Oh how nice of you, what would a homeless person do with Tabasco? What food does he have to enjoy? Oh! Or were you suggesting they drink it. What buzz from your stupid Tabasco could they possibly achieve?”
Don’t hate it is premium Louisiana Tabasco, I was told it is thee best. 

Enough with the lemons and the Tabasco let me tell you why I brought you here and what happened.

We went through more than I thought and actually analyzed my behaviour for the past two years since I broke up with his best friend roughly two years ago, though there were attempts to patch things up thereafter. We went through a whole list of potential boyfriends and crushes and annoying guys that make me change my direction or even as worse as skip shisha when spotted anywhere near me.
“You know what your problem is?” He said.
What, what is my problem?
“You put it all out there up front, I have guy friends. I am OK with people being gay. I am a Democrat. Then you complain that he is too shallow and would never accept you for who you are even if you were to get serious, just because he doesn’t share the same beliefs”
What are you suggesting? You are not suggesting that I lie, are you?
“Sure I am”
Well, that’s healthy. I will not lie my way into a relationship. Lying will get me in trouble. The first person I will lose is you.
“You will not lose me, but not every guy has to know of my existence from the start.”
Yes, that is really something I am looking forward to, sneaking behind a guy’s back to meet my gay friend. No. The answer is no.
“I am only asking you to try the don’t ask don’t tell for a while and see how things pan out”.

Truth is I am so over booked and do not have anytime for this nonsense, I said. Still not good enough. I have decided to not only close the door but to lock it with double bolt locks. We are out of business. Targa asked “for now? till August, till you pass the board?” with desperation in his eyes. I laughed so hard and told him if you weren’t gay I would think you have started to develop some feelings or have fallen in love with me. Therefore, this announcement has crushed your heart.
“Honey I do love you in every way and want you to be happy.”
I am happy. Why do I need a guy to make me happy? Besides I have you. I just wanted to make it clear to myself that I will not get nervous around guys that show interest because… I.. am… not…. interested at…. all. Saying it out loud will help me behave accordingly and not run out of the place like a maniac. I am just not cut for relationships. I had two serious ones and one of these two was with my significant other living across the Atlantic.

Targa interrupted, “Yes, you do that quite often. Bader called and told me that he had saw you but you were in a hurry and he’s not sure you even saw him sitting there”.
Oh I saw him alright. I freaked out the minute I realized it was him and left without even taking my coffee. I ran like Dean and Deluca was about to explode. Not sure why I did that though. Was it those track pants, was it not… I don’t really know. Well, he does pop up unannounced quite often. He has the ability to spot me a mile away, especially when I wear my New York hoodie and my Yankees’ baseball cap. Remember when he tapped me on the shoulder at Starbucks as I waited for my drink? I almost got right side paralyzed right then and there as he said my name.
“I think he likes you”.
You think..or you know? Well, if he likes me you need to tell him that I am not interested and you need to make it clear that he understands that. Do you hear me?
“You do know if he used an axe he could break down your double bolt locked door”. Well, until that happens I continue to live happily Stone Cold Sober for my patients and work my ass off.


For any readers, the only moral of the story is that you should always get dressed when you step out to run errands. Not straight after the GYM. It will help you identify why you ran away after seeing someone in the first place.
Also, is it right to use the don’t ask don’t tell? You be the judge.

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~ by Purple Velvet on March 9, 2010.

7 Responses to “Stone Cold Sober”

  1. well if u say the truth and ur a grl ur a bitch in there eyes even if u were an angel and only had one or 2 x's and one or 2 friends .so as every another person in saudi u have 2 wear several masks im an angel I know know one I do not smoke I do not travel alone, I am the best thing ever stupid bloody society thats all what I can say. ppl coverup in riyadh and wear bikinis in summer, travel with there parents and meet 10000 guys and get drunk and stoned every night yet ur the whore cause u live abroad alone 2 study. masks every where ,personally I wont lie.

  2. I loved the last bit about they travel with their parents, yet meet 10000 guys. Thanks honey for your opinion.

  3. i don't think you should lie but i agree with parts of what targa said. many ppl share your beliefs, have male friends etc but don't wear it like a chip on their shoulder. these are not the only aspects to your personality so why do you think that if u dont blurt them out immediately it'll be dishonest?

  4. Although i’m not a khaleeji, i do understand the culture very well.. I am against the lying and don’t ask don’t tell policy.. I think you should wait until you find that guy who accepts it all better than living in a lie. No one deserves that you sacrifies your happiness for theirs or even worse just to be in a stupid relationship. Being single because you are honest and have a healthy social life is better than being in a relationship because you are a liar. They are all fucking hypocrites like the first comment said. Be happy!

  5. Thanks Nai 7abibty :*

  6. Single people often say: my future partner ‘must’ accept me the way I am. I don’t know, but to me this sounds rather rigid and more rhetorical than realistic. Everyone of us, especially those with active professional and social lives, constantly changes. We change our habits, our values fluctuate in their ‘value’, we even get bored of certain ideals and adopt new ones. In that case how is it right to say that the ‘me’ at any given moment is the ‘me’ my future partner has to accept? It just appears a bit risky and limiting to define terms and conditions from the outset. We are often surprised by how much people are willing to compromise and by how often we misjudge the importance of a certain value or principle to another person.

    What I’m trying to say is, if you’re single and meet someone and find him/her highly compatible, take it one step at a time from there. You might be pleasantly surprised by how little you might have to change, by how much they are willing to change, or even by how much you are willing to sacrifice for them. 🙂

  7. @A I absolutely agree and I thank you for your comment. However, I do think the other person must be accepted for who he/she is at the time being without expecting things to change significantly or they will be disappointed. If you cannot live with something, don’t count on the possibility of things changing. If they do change; great, if not; it shouldn’t have been a big deal to begin with.

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